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kaleido_sphere

so i know i always say this but my life really SUCKS right now. 

sunday my bf and I were on our way back home from camping. We were driving down a narrow mountain road with fresh rain-he drives fast. We hit a slippery spot in the road and his truck flipped over once, skidded on his side and landed on the very edge of the mountain cliff. It continued to slide backwards slowly towards the edge of the cliff before he was able to stop it. His camper shell flew off with all our stuff in the road. His door wouldnt open and the windshield was badly cracked with glass everywhere and the truck was badly dented and scraped. But uninjured, we were able to pick up our stuff and get the car started again and drive back home. I thought we were going to die(we were seconds away from death and dismemberment) and when the car flipped I thought we were actually going down the cliff and not coming back up again.

then tuesday I was driving back from a friends house when I got in an accident. I was in the left turn lane beginning my turn and the other car was going straight. It all happened so fast I barely remember the details. But I was at fault. Now my car is totalled . The cost to repair it exceed the amount i bought the car for.As if thats not enough the passenger in the other car is claiming injury but everyone was fine at the scene of the accident. I only had the car for 2 months. It was exactly the kind of car I wanted. I loved it. It was my ticket to freedom and independence.  It helped give me a reason to actually feel somewhat good about myself. Now its all gone. I feel like total shit. I feel like one of  the worst drivers ever. And so embarrased. I dont want anyone to know. They will just talk about me and what a loser and bad driver I am. I am so depressed I slept nearly all day  tues. and yesterday except to get up to eat and talk to insurance and read a bit. Ive been eating too much sweets and chainsmoking and taking more vicadin and klonapin than I need. I've missed 2 more days of school since this. I have no motivation to do anything. And I'm not looking forward to the inconveniance of taking the bus again.I just cant face anyone with this. I want my car back!. I dont care if it was my fault. As far as I'm concerned they were the ones who hit me-who got in my way. I hate them those bitches!. It should have been their fault, there shouldnt have been that much damage,my car should be fixable, I should have just been able to drive away!!. Its not fucking fair!. I survived one accident just to get into another one.

The irony is that as serious as my bf accident was - i mean flipping over and all that shit at least its still driveable and wont be more than 1k to fix. It just makes me even more mad. Why me? I dont get what I did to deserve this? Why does bad shit always seem to happen to me. Ii've got enough problems already and then it just gets worse with crap like this. Now I'm without a car just in time for the rainy season. And my insurance will no doubt skyrocket- especially since Ive had my licence less than a year. I felt like a bad driver before, but now its all too confirmed. 

and the wost part about the actual accident was all the rubberneckers just making me feel even worse. As my car was being towed a couple came out and nicely asked if i needed to use the phone, i said no but they stayed  to circle my car and stare at it and just rudely watch the whole thing . I was so pissed i actually confronted them but they were just rude and acted like they had the right to stay and watch cuz they lived there. and right after the accident  when i was looking 4 a place to stop my car a guy drove up to me and followed me to harras me saying i was committing a felony by driving away and i had to go back cuz they might be hurt. I had no intention of leaving but i couldnt park in the the middle of the street or a red zone so i found the nearest parking space in the parking lot of an apt complex right up the street. It was none of his fucking bussiness!!. I hate people. So it all just made me cry and feel like shit.

and when the friend from whos house i was driving back from came over later she didnt even seem to care when i told her what happened. she just asked me if i wanted her to leave and then said she wouldnt be good company cuz shed just ramble on. She didnt say sorry or "are u ok" or act at all sympathetic. shes constantly telling me about all her problems and i end up listening and giving advice and pretenting to care even when i dont. and gave her rides. What a selfish bitch. the only "friend" i have. well i dont need her at all.  

Now i dont know what to do. I'm just terribly depressed and embarrased. The only thing I'm looking forward to is seeing my bf tonight but I'm also nervous because I'll have to explain what happened and feel shitty.

Current Mood: angry angry

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I love my bf but I want to punch him. I went on a road trip with him and his family and they kept making christian/mormon jokes and crap and going on about how dumb they are. My bf in perticular didnt refrain from joining in and making some hurtful ones himself. The problem: I'm a christian/ex mormon and he knows it! He's made jokes and remarks in the past  more than once and I told him I don't like it each time. This weekend he  even started saying he didnt mean to offend me and he actually doesnt understand how it would offend me. WTF??? I think he must be retarted if he really doesnt get it! So of course hating confrontation I sat in the car 4 against 1and barely complained, just seething with anger inside and thinking of what I wanted to say. I didnt want to make a scene or start a fight in front of his family while being trapped in a car for hours having no escape. I sure as hell didnt want to bring negative attention to myself. But I feel like such a wimp about it. I should have said something and I need to say something to my bf. He NEEDS to understand. I'm afraid I cant make him and i know i cant change him. I cant put up with if but I dont want to dump him over it. I dont know how to tell him assertively without being attacking him but still making myself loud and clear. I'm just so pissed I want to chew his head off. And his family can kiss my ass too. Theyre  all so stupid ignorant and closed minded.


Current Mood: angry angry

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Ok I just have to vent here.  I am so pissed off. My bf's best friend just recently came back ito town. He called me thurs saying his friend would be visiting him where he works on fri. Anfd that he wanted to hang out with him this weekend since they havnt seen each other in 6mo. or whatever. He also says thst when he gets back into town he'll be riding with his friend to save gas. He says he wants to see me "at least a little bit"(which sounds to me like he only wants to hang out a little bit). I asked when, he said he didnt know yet cause they hadnt figured out what thayre plans were yet. The weekends are the only time we can see each other because he works out of town.  And its sat afternoon and he hasnt called me at all yet. I feel like he is ignoring me or has forgotten all about me. Like its not immportant enough to call.And what does he expect. FOr me to sit by the phone waiting and keep my entire schedule open just so whaen he calls to hang out for a liitle bit? What the fuck!!!!! I want to call him up and scream at him but that wouldnt hepl anything. I don't know if I should call him up or wait for him to call me. I definetly will tell him I don't aprecciate this kind of crap. I understand he wants to see his friend OK but don't just sweep me aside. I want to scream and cry at the same time. and then punch him in the nuts. most of all i just want to hug him which makes me even madder.

Current Mood: pissed of

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So I really just want to say thank you all for reading and responding.  I truly appreciate it.. Its so nice to know that at least someone is listening, even if the're invisible.  Thatts all.

Current Mood: grateful grateful

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I want to die. I have no  one to call a friend, no  real family and my boyfreind alone is not enough. Besides I only see him on the weekends. I'm afraid I'd go crazy if we broke up because I already feel so bad now. I sat at home alone on 4thJuly. I's not like I didn't try. I called nearly everyone I know. I got nowhere. I'm afraid  I pushed my friends away so now I have none. I tried hanging out with a friend today-they never called back. I feel like I'm sooo lame and uncool that no one want to give me any of their time. I'm starting to feel like theres not much reason for me to live anymore. Fuck. I hate my life. And my moms b-day is next wed. She died 3 yrs. ago this June. So its even harder to feel good with her memory looming over my head. I think I'll try a church and a class. I'll be nervous as all hell but at least I'll have some chance of meeting a friend.  I'm considering taking my meds again. It least I have an appt. on mon.Any suggestions?

Current Mood: depressed depressed

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So I feel pretty shitty, my moods have been fluctuating and I 've had sudden uncontrollable waves of depression, anger, depression and inferiority this week. Maybe I do need meds but I just don't want to play that game anymore. I fear that I'm pusjing my bf away with my crazyness. Things bother me, he notices and asks, then everyhting comes gushing out and I'm crying. I think it might be better if  I ignore my feelings and not bother him with it but then I defiantly feel that he SHOULD know. If I SHARE i might scare him away and if I hide it its like were based on a lie and these things would only bottle up and come out anyway. I feel its a lose lose situation. Also, I think I'm being too needy.  I've been spaending all my free time with him so now I'm afraid I'Ve lost my friends. The more time goes by withiut talking to them, the more nervous i am about calling them.
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So its been about 6 weeks without any meds. The herbals seem to be enough.  Maybe I don't even really need them. I hav'nt crashed yet. We'll see. I know 2 people who's boyfriends just broke up with them. I love mine so much.. I really hope it doesn"t happen to me too. I can't help but get freaked out by stuff like that. 
Theres stuff I just can't seem to get out of my head though. Like especially this girl my boyfriend was friends with. Don't think they talk that much anymore but she lives with his sis now. He has mentioned her a few times here and there even though I told him I was never really friends with her. When I met him  I even though they were dating. He just said they were good friends. When we were talking bout our hist. He said he had had sex with a good friend in the past. Well I just keep wondering if it was her or whoelse it could have been, did they have soething going on? But she just had a kid so why should I be worried right? Its awkward cuz I had almost gotten with her right b4 I met him. It didn;t work out. We just made out at  a party. So I admit I feel jelous. Jelous cuz he might like her, cuz she might have gone for him but not me, cuz I've had other guy friends who have liked her, and cuz shes gotten with guys I had a crush on before. I think if  I didn't think she was hot  it wouldn't bother me as much. i wish it didn't> Maybe I just always need someone to focus on. I'm always jelous of someone and insecure over something. Seriously. I bet as soon I get ove rthis I'll be obsessing over something new.  I'll just replace it. I hate it. I wan't to ask him if they were together if he mentions her again. I'm not so sure I want to know though. It would take this wondering away but do I really want to know the answer? Oh, I don;t know what to do about this.
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so I hav'ent been taking my prescriptions, just some herbals and I actually feel great! This is wierd but I feel really happy and much clearer too. I hope it lasts. 

Current Mood: happy happy

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Does anyone ever feel like they have a hard time living through the present? I've noticed I most of my  time either dwelling on the past or predicting worst case scenarios about the future but hardly ever just live in the moment. My mind is always somewhere else.

Current Mood: worried worried

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Hello, I just joined this community in an attempt to vent and well, maybe get some advice. I've been in a relationship for about 9mo. now and my boyfriend is terrific-my type to a T(not perfect) but -nearly everything I've always wanted/liked in a guy. But its not enough. I'm still miserable inside. I have always had problems w/ jealousy and with him it's made worse because he's really good looking. I know other girls notice. My friends have all told me he's soo cute, I notice girls checking him out alot and I  can't help but "think he could have any of these girls"- what if he realizes it and dumps me for someone better.
I feel so insecure and paranoid. I just don't feel good enough. I don't know how to just TRUST someone. If I do they might hurt me and I'll feel like a fool. Nearly every girl I've known has been cheated on or betrayed. I've not been cheated on but know betrayal. So everything sets my radar off, more like it's always on. I'm afraid it's putting a strain on our relationship.  I'm starting to fear the relationshiip might end not because he actually does anything but because my issues will pull him away.   
So... this weekend we went to a restaurant and He says He thinks the waitresss looks like the same one who was there last time a few weeks ago. She was cute and last time we were there I just got this paranoid feeling like "is he checking her out?" He's always friendly and polite and usually talks to/smiles at most people so I don't know. I tried to ignore myself thinking that he probably wasn't and even if he did notice her what can I do? He's human and probably not blind to everyone but me. If I can notice that someone else is attractive why can't he? But the feeling infuriates me and makes me feel hopeless. The fear is always that he might like them more and then act on it. So when he said that this time I felt like I was validated in my suspicions. If he wasn't checking her out then why would he recognize/notice/care and MENTION her after weeks. Like why would I care if its the same waitress or not? If were on a date shouldn't I be the one he notices? He soon apologized, said he realized it was a stupid thing to say after he said it but that it didn't mean anything.   We've talked about trust before-how its hard for me. He asked if I still dont trust him I told him again not when he mentions other girls. He says it hurts that I don't trust him. I don't want to hurt him but what can I do? 
The next day somehow Gene Simmons comes up and of course his tounge. I made fun of it. He said "well he must have made alot of girls happy" I"m say thats gross I wouldn't want it near me. He says "not all girls r like that".  I think  to myself ya, so , who cares what other girls like, do you? Then he says he wouldn't know. But I can't help but wonder what hes really thinking. 
This is becoming a typical weekend.  I didn't used to feel like this as much. When singlre I'm not bothered that much. It's being w/ someone that starts it all up and it seems the longer were together the more jealous etc. I get. I could go on for hrs. but I'll spare u.
So please...am I just crazy? How can I make it stop?  

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